It's Funny how we react to truama or Drama as i like to call it differently. You are always told to be strong and it will pass , whatever doesnt kill you will only make you stronger, that stuff. we dont have men that cry yada yada. I remember when my Grandfather passed away when i was 11. That was probably the last time i cried when i heard about the death of someone. 74 significant deaths later ( yes i keep count i know im sick) i still havent shed a tear. does that make me strong?
Well i'd beg to differ. i lost someone significant a few months ago. I was in disbelief at first, not only did it catch me off guard but it caught the rest of the world off guard too. It was pretty Tragic but hey, people die everyday dont they? does that mean we have to have a daily hour or moment of silence, mourning and tears? well its not really practical and i beleive in equality. If you dont mourn every brother in kind you have lost then you shouldnt treat anyone better. thats why i dont personally grieve...that is what makes me not cry on the death of 74 people , that had an impact on my life, that probably if lived longer would have affected the outcome of who i am, who if lived less would have made me less of the person i am now. 74 people whom i will add my name to one day, who will become 75 tomorrow if not today, and 6 Billion only God knows when.
So like i was saying, i lost someone significant a few months ago. refused to grieve about it and kept it all in, maybe its Guilt, maybe its my socialization getting the best of me - for like i said ma3andenash regala bet3ayat- regardless of the reason, the end result is, it was all trapped in. I thought that was a good thing...
Come Saturday...
I See a flock of Gazelles...running gracefully on my way from one place to another. I remember Lana Jass who has Faithfully Departed our world a few months ago. She always beleived that her place in the world, the only place she feels she was created to be in, is to run with the Gazelles. I looked at them and wondered...is Lana Jass running with them now?
I couldnt think of anything else all day. I remembered almost every memory i made with Lana Jass, the good and the bad, thought of all the things i wanted to say to Lana, all the things i wanted to do for Lana, but never had the chance.
The only thing that could comfort me was the thought that it was meant to be this way, and all you wanted to say and do are probably better left unsaid and undone. There must be a Good reason why an Angel like Lana has to so tragically depart this cruel evil world.until i find out why, i guess ill be angry.
I finally cried....why did i cry? i mean what was i feeling? i just related...related to the thoughts going through her awarness when she just realized she is no longer alive, she must have been dissapointed, utterly dissappointed , just when things were starting to get better, i mean 3 weeks before she got this new job she couldnt dream of, she finally found something she felt herself in...to me it was just a job...to her it was her Running with the Gazelles, finally sorted out her issues, finally in peace with herself and with life. then she crashes and burns...and its all over. no chance to say a last word to a special someone, no goodbye notes , lots of unfinished business.
Very trivial isn t it , but what do you expect its not like i died before and know what its like...
Sigh, one day i will find out.
Rest In Peace Lana Jass,
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