Amnesia

Waking up in a Ditch in the middle of nowhere surely is an experience to knock you back to your senses. here i am, its almost 9 am according to Cairo time ( i always keep my watch set to Cairo time wherever in the world i happen to be) Im still in yesterday's suit...white shirt & no tie...covered in dust...im face down in the ditch...the taste of dirt still in my mouth...involuntarily crunching on a few grains of sand between my molars. Doesn't feel nice..

Theres Blood on my cuffs...is it mine?

An image from last night flashes infront of me...a Tall looming man...white hair and tiny beady eyes that penetrate you in an instant grimacing at me...with smoke in the air...he leans over to me and opens the passanger door im resting my wieght on and just flicks me out of the car like an annoying fruit fly...

Who's blood is this? did i beat someone up? should i skip town cause im surely not an assualt suspect...this could be murder. I frantically try to remember what on earth happened and how did i end up somewhere in the middle of the desert outside of Reno..

Can't seem to remember....

Can't seem to remember where exactly did i sign up for this bullshit either...

Tall looming man smiles at me and says reassuringly " I am a Just man..i will only give you what you deserve...ill only treat you like the monster you are...you are just like me...but i will put you in your place".
A few hours before...i was in a room...a room with a pretty view..there were men in the room...all clean cut and dressed for a nice Business function after hours.. well it was after hours for me...to them daily business was just about to begin...There was money on the table..the neon lights coming in from the panoramic windows to our right danced all over the faces of Benjamin Franklin. Benjamin wore the only smile in the room.

these people were pissed..

The Couch had a man in probably the cleanest galabeyya i have ever seen, covered in a nice black 3abaya with golden lining and a scarf wrapped around his tiny head.

"Raghead" was the first thing that came to mind...im sure alot of people wondered what the hell is someone dressed like that doing in a place like Reno..he didnt care, hes to preoccupied with bigger matters than to wonder about the impression he might be giving to the locals. he dares one of them to speak their mind. they should accept and be tolerant of other cultures as they claim.

"يا كين....جول له أنه مصعب الموضوع من غير داعي لو بوده دم حيبجة دمه هو و رجالته إللي سايل"

I try to translate that in the most diplomatic way possible, for i am the messenger..and messengers were always the cheapest cannon fodder in most wars..

" You are unnecessarily alleviating the situation..if it is blood you want to see, it will only be yours along with the blood of your men"
Tall looming man's eyes widen in amusement

" Who the Fuck are you?... his Translator?"

Im only a lawyer..
Im only twenty four..
I should be going to bars...dating pretty girls...driving a fast car...maybe doing a little cocaine on the side too...

My worries in life should only be Armani Suits, Fashion models and how to date them...and maybe a few serious lawyer work in the mornings...but nothing that follows me home...

nothing that haunts me in my sleep
nothing that makes me want to forget
nothing that would make me go all the way to Reno to settle it
nothing that would make me end up in a Ditch covered in dust and someone elses blood.
Can't seem to remember when exactly did i get involved into all of this
Can't seem to remember when i have become an integral and inseperable part of this universe of filth, greed, blood and tears..

Kane...what do you remember?

I remember being six, spending my summer in Alexandria with my Parents...we had a cabin on the beach. alot of people did, nice people, nice people i would have loved to surround myself with. we'd build sandcastles on the beach, swim in to reach the lighthouse at the end of the bay. go to the pier and spend the entire day fishing in our bathing suits..when we got too bored we would jump into the water and try to catch the fish with our hands...as if we were cartoon bears. on some days when the sea was too rough, we'd settle for a day flying kites on the beach...our parents would know exactly where we were from the location of our kites gliding through the sky. sometimes when we were in a creative mood, we'd gather around all the parents and put on a play for them at someones cabin, theyd act all interested just for us, simply because they were really happy to see us all enthusiastic about something.

I remember being eight, doing my first science experiment in school, they were trying to teach us the water cycle and hence we had to make a solution evaporate and the salt would crystalize in the beaker. i went home aspiring to become a scientist..it was a few weeks before my birthday. i got a chemistry set as a gift that year.

I remember being ten, my dad had me signed up for tae kwon do classes, it was one thing i was persistent in. everytime i felt sore from being beat in class, he'd rent out a bruce lee movie for me from the video club...he'd tell me bruce lee was beaten up as a kid too...look at him now. i remember one day, after class i went strolling with my mother and we bought ice cream although it was the middle of winter...we enjoyed the view and had talk about why would i be taking tae kwon do lessons..
"so that you can protect us from the bad people dear"

"why do bad people want to hurt us?"
"because they are bad..."
"why are they bad?"
"they're just selfish...they want what they dont have, and the easy way to get it is by hurting others in the process" "what do they want?"
"happiness"
"why cant they just eat ice cream and talk to their mothers?"

she just brushed my hair playfully, chuckled and gave me a kiss

I remember when i was twelve, i had my best friends over on a saturday morning, we played some video games and then went to play pool..we thought it was cool. On the way back we found this vendor who sold "bumb" which practically is gunpowder wrapped in little newspaper balls and fastened with some copper wire. we bought 10 pounds worth of it each...and engaged in civil war on my street. the porters would cheer and root for "ibn el 7etta" or Son of the Hood the cars passing by were courteous enough to stop for a moment as not to interrupt our little private war. Everyone was enjoying the mirth we were in...little boys engaged in violence against one another.

I guess Clean Galabeyya man and Tall looming Man wished people would let them have their own little war too..but then some 9-5 uniformed Reno PD man waiting for retirement yet with some delusions of grandeur would be tempted to meddle in their affairs thinking they are small time dope pushers who want to pull it off Montana Style. Why is it that the life we seem to watch in movies and have the comfort of being separated from by the touch of a button seem to have this tendency to jump out of the screen and become as real as the thumb protruding from my left hand? and why so soon...?

Im only a lawyer
Im only twenty four...at this rate...i wont be twenty five

I remember when i was 14, just came out of the shower on a thursday night..drenched my hair in gel...wore my addidas T-shirt...my levis jeans and headed off to the club...i'm meeting a new friend today..his name is Michael...we're going to go girl hunting for girls. we end up forgetting about the whole thing and just walk around chatting about this and that. Michael is probably like the brother i have never had...we talk to this very day...despite the different lives we may lead. I also remember meeting Lana that year too...she was new to school, her mother was worried about her and just picked a random kid in the playground who just happened to be me, she told me to take care of her like she was my young sister, i fulfilled that role to the fullest last week when i married her off to this great guy. I also remember this girl, her name is Nikita, i had the biggest crush on her but was too afraid to tell her, i spent 3 years fearing confession. Thats how ill prepared i was for life back then. i met her by coincidence last week too...shes a successful career woman working in a big company, and accordingly meets the expectations of having an active social life.

I remember Reno PD man pleading for his life. begging for mercy, and how he has three daughters to feed and a sick wife. i remember how all i chose to focus on was how would jenna, laura and vicky take the news...and how are they supposed to take care of their sick mother now that daddy's last resting place was a hole in the desert. i dwelled on the thought of how disgusted i was with myself that i was a part of that...how i let it happen before my eyes and silently chose to be a part of it out of fear..which still is not good enough justification. i wondered how Galabeya man and Tall looming man dealt with that..did they feel the same way too? or did they kill off their souls a long time ago?

I remember when i was 16, Grandpa gave me an old gun of his. "use it with respect" he said, "it is only a sport...not a tool, it doesnt solve problems...it creates them...use it alone...respect its power and the power it can give you...but never use it. enjoy it in solitude...should you be compelled to share it with someone, then this sport is not for you. never teach someone how to use it, it is merely instinct. you cannot teach someone instinct.

A day will come, where you will be tempted to use it...dont give in to temptation, for if you will..then that will be the day you lose your soul"

I sought out someone to help me with the ways of the gun, lets call him Operations. Operations beleive that guns were intially made so that the weak can protect themselves. Time has proven that the creation of Gun is like opening Pandora's Box. i conveyed that to Operations, he replied with two things:-

1- "Teach your Sons the way of the Gun, swimming and the riding of beasts"
2- " you must protect us, take care of us ...you have a duty to protect, you must be prepared i dont ask you to act..i am here to teach you how to react, like i said, guns are for the weak, alot of weak people will be fooled to think they are strong, and will attempt to harm others, react Kane...react and put them in their place"

I didnt put Tall Looming man's goons in their place, I didnt put the mad dictator vanquishing our pride all these years into place, i didn't put Issei Sagawa in his place...nor Dahmer, nor Bundy, nor Ezzat Hanafi, nor Bashandi, nor Charles Taylor, nor Slobodan Milosoviesc, nor the neighbour i hear beating his wife, nor the Citizen killing Cop, nor the men at Novartis, nor the men at Haliburton, nor the Spectres of Switzerland,

but then again...nor did anybody...

I walk closer to a grey stretch in the middle of the desert. it must be a road...its empty. theres a road sign...Reno 12 miles and it points to the left, another sign pointing to the right..."BACK HOME 4,000 MILES"

I stand under the road sign, waiting for any car to pass by. a Silver Lamborghini jets by me headed to Reno..Lola is driving..she must have heard im in Reno..she just passes me by.

What happened last night? what was the money for? who is tall looming man? who is galabeya man? what happened to Reno PD man? where did i sign up for this shit, how does being a lawyer make u end up in all of this?

a lot of questions unanswered..

A Black Suburban passes by...coming from Reno...Jordan Kalfus is driving...Rankin Fitch is riding shotgun with a cigar in his hand i autostop them...

"Kane boy..." Says Fitch..."come with us...we came to pick you up.."

"you headed back home?"

"nah, little britches...we're taking you back to Reno"

"I'm through with Reno"

"well it beats the middle of the fuckin desert dont it...just come back to civilization then sort something out there to go back home"

Kalfus throws in a look..."Last call Kane"

"ill try my luck with the next car"

I wait for a while till the next car passes..it hits me how as much as i want out..how much i have been prepped for all this..we live in a world that prepares you for this. No matter how protective or impermeable the bubble you live in might be. If your parents dont sign you up for Tae Kwon Do lessons then some bully will steal your jellies. If your mother doesn't ask you to protect her, some guy will knock up your sister and run away...leaving your sister to blame and a filthy little monster grow inside of her. if you dont come across someone like Operations..you will meet a reefer man to teach you the ways of the joint, or a Ghandi man to teach you the art of politics, or a Bhudda man to teach you spirituality...either way that won't prevent Dakhleyya man from having some fun inserting impaling objects into your rectum.

Even if you manage to use supergule to seal all the holes in your so called bubble...some bubble popping monster will come along and burst your domain with the utmost ease...living you flickering around like a fish on the deck of a boat...squirming out of your inevitable fate in futility.

A White Mercedes appears on the horizon, coming from back home...i see the driver...i recognize him..its Mr. Adham...he stops and lets me in...and zooms off to Reno.

"We heard what happened...we also heared what you told Kalfus & Fitch...don't be silly Kane..Reno is your place...Reno is your Duty..protect us from the bad people your mother once told you about"

I can tell we are driving quite fast...or maybe the Road to Reno is just easy...we're almost there...

"Mr. Adham...you once taught me how it is all about free will...one cannot escape his destiny nor his duty..so leave me find my path...if Reno is my Destiny...i will be there...but for God's sake i didnt sign up for this shit!!....Im only 24....Im only a Lawyer.."

Mr. Adham Drops me off at a roadhouse... two miles outside of Reno... the sign says "last stop to Reno" the parking lot is full of 18 wheeler trucks. alot of cars zooming by the roadhouse..all going quite fast..full of familiar faces...from back home. Xanatos, Dollface, Chuckles, Beamix, Twine Runner, Pigbart, Scorpio, Curly Sue, Agroboys a plenty...and Gulfies Galore..all heading down to Reno.

The sun boils down on me...i recall the past 8 years of my life..such a detour...such a dissapointment to the little child that was once me. i need a lift back home. Reno shouldnt be for people like me.

A woman...walks out of the roadhouse dressed in a red trucker cap, trucker shirt jeans and red converse hightops...just gawks at me...her name turns out to be Bertha...(not the first Bertha i meet) i inquire as to the reason of her gawk...

"oh...its nothing,"

"have we met?" I ask

"maybe in a past life..is that your blood?"

"no, its not mine..but im sure ill get into alot of trouble for it...so you headed to Reno?"

"yeah...lots of action going on, im only here to watch...dont want a part of it though"

I pause and reflect on what she just said...i remember the day when i once said it...and look at me now...

"don't...its hard to resist..."

"i know...i am rather intrigued...quite curious to explore...i have some time on my hands before i move on...so thats why i am thinking of exploring.."

I felt compelled to help...

"well spend your time eslewhere...i lost myself in there...and im trying to find it again...!"

"wow...self discovery...can i help...please?"

"you say you have the time...can you drive me back home?"

"but i wanna see Reno..."

"maybe i can give you a tour...but i gotta go home first...will you drive me home?"

"well i got the time...and i could use a nice long drive..."

"Wheres your car then?"

She smiled... I haven't seen someone smile...since benjamin franklin on the table..before that...well maybe when i was six...The Parents enjoyed the plays we had on the beach...

Why do i get the feeling i might end up back in Reno?

well whatever happens i hope this amnesia wears off..i dont know where ive been...i know where i came from..and i sure as hell dont have a clue where am i going...

but alot of questions need to be answered.